September 19th. I’ve been dreading this day and looking forward to it at the same time. It’s been like a dark cloud over me and I can’t wait to get past it.
This was the day in 2016 that I was diagnosed with Inflammatory Breast Cancer. It’s a day that changed me forever. September 19th will be the day that a new life started for me. Everything was different. I saw everything differently, did things differently…because I was different.
I go back to the moments of that phone call. I remember everything about it. When I answered the phone I was hoping for a upbeat Doctor on the other end telling me everything was ok, but that’s not what I got. He said the words, “it’s cancer”. I’m sure he said other stuff but I crumbled. I remember calling Justin and my mom. I remember falling to the ground and my incredible neighbor picking me up. I just remember being so scared. I immediately thought I was going to die. I didn’t know much about cancer. I always associate it with older people and not being good. While cancer still is never good to get, it does not care how old you are. What I said to every doctor I’ve met and I will continue to make this my goal, is I just want to watch my baby girl grow up. I want to be at her high school graduation; I want to be at her wedding; I want to meet her children, and I will.
September 19th, 2014 was the day a doctor told me I was pregnant. After a year of trying, the news was so welcomed and we were over the moon happy. I now hold strongly to the reason we were unable to get pregnant until then was because God knew what was coming. As I was waiting for my doctor to call me last year, I realized the fact about the date. When I figured that out, I kind of already knew what the doctor was going to say. Deep down, I felt that it was a sign that she was sent to me to help me through it. And boy did she ever.
I will never be able to repay this little girl for all she’s done for me. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to put it into words to her. She helped save my life.
So, today I sit and think about this last year. It’s overwhelming to say the least. I’ve had all the emotions about it, sometimes all in one day. It’s a jumbled mess sometimes to talk about because I’m still trying to figure it all out in my head. Cancer is hard, after cancer is harder. But I can tell you this, I’m a better person and I believe cancer made me that way. I have a new perspective on life that I don’t know that I could have ever gotten if I didn’t go through this. So grateful for cancer? Maybe, but not so much. Grateful for what it has done for me, absolutely. I appreciate everything so much harder and love so much deeper now. The people in my life that stuck by my side in this last year are just completely amazing. I don’t know how I could have done it without my ‘team’. You know who you are, and I love you. Cancer brings out the real in people. There are some people that I thought would be in my life for a long time, but they are no longer. I now have a life full of great people that I know really love me, how great is that? So great.
I think sometimes it’s easy to get in the mode of, why me? I’m a good person, I’ve never done anything bad…why did I get cancer? I could go into that for days and days. I have slowly become obsessed with cancer, nutrition and over all human well being. I have a lot of theories. One thing that was said to me from a good friend within the first week of diagnosis was, remember Kelly, God didn’t do this to you-He allowed it to happen. At first that really frustrated me, but I understand now. My faith has gotten so much stronger this year and for that I’m a better person as well.
I will never fully understand any of this. Some days I just sit and cry about it, some days I just try and forget about it. Thank you to all that listen to me in moments of need.
September 19, 2017. A day I dreaded but it turned out to be pretty darn good. I got to be with my favorite person in the world and have fun with her all day. We shopped, we painted, we ate bad food. I’m just so grateful to be alive and cancer free!