Last year, on this same day, I wrote a letter to my daughter on her first birthday. I told her about how much I loved being her mom and how much she meant to me. My love for her has only grown in masses over the year. My hopes for this blog and that letter, is that one day when she is older she will sit down and read everything, as everything I do is for her. I had no idea that in her second year of life she would mean even more to me and literally save my life. I didn’t think it was possible to love this girl more, but I do day after day. She keeps a smile on my face when I am down, and makes me laugh every single day and often. God did not give me a quiet and timid girl. He gave me a strong, vibrant daughter who has so much spunk. She is so full of life and personality.
Before the C word hit our family, I knew I loved her with every ounce of my soul. I would cry everyday dropping her off at the babysitters. I hated going to work because that meant I had to leave my baby. All I wanted was to be a stay at home mom. I did not care if that meant not having nice things, or staying in our small house. I just wanted to be with her and watch her grow and teach her new things everyday.
Once cancer hit, and I was at home I soon realized I had gotten what I wanted, to stay at home with Savanna. What a horrible way to do it, but nonetheless, I was ecstatic to be with her everyday. Definitely not what I had planned or the way I would really choose to do it but I loved every second with her. It was in these months that I realized my love for her was much, much more than I could ever put into words. She kept me going every single day. Chemo day, day after chemo, surgery, every single day. She was/is my love and my light.
I sometimes think how things could have been different. I could have not had a child and went through this. Knowing what I know about myself, I would have been in a very dark place. I would have not gotten out of bed often, as I felt horrible. I would have stayed to myself and just hoped things would get better. But, thanks to this little red head of mine, I did none of that. She needed and still needs me everyday. I couldn’t just be, I had to BE a mom. I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.
She is the perfect child for me and for me in this situation. She pushed me but not too far. She knew when I needed her and she would just sit on my lap and hug me. She knew when I needed an extra kiss or two. She knows what I need all the time, before even I do. I thank God every day for this little girl of mine. She truly, without question, saved my life. How can I ever thank or repay her something like that? I honestly do not know. But I will do my best to give her the absolute best life I can possibly give her. I owe her love and joy everyday and then some. She is my favorite person in the entire world and I would do anything for her. I hope for this next year to be a little less eventful. I hope we can do a lot of things together and just enjoy being alive with one another. I can not wait to grow old with her by my side.
My best friend in the entire world is a little redheaded two year old and I wouldn’t want it any other way. I love you Savanna Jolene. I’m so blessed to be your mommy. Thank you for everything you do for me. You are my world. I hope you have the most amazing 2nd birthday!